watch this space

I was on my way to work when a woman stopped me and asked me the time. I showed her my watch; it seemed the simplest way to proceed. But she just stared at it as though she had never seen such a thing in her life before, though it is a very ordinary kind of watch. As the seconds visibly ticked by and still she continued to peer at it without speaking, I began to wonder if I had misheard. Perhaps she had asked me - for example - where the library was. In which case my thrusting my watch in her face might indeed seem a puzzling response. Maybe she was waiting for it to unfold into a 3D model of the town. Or the world. Finally, I said, 'It's a quarter to nine', and she seemed to come back to life again, thanking me and moving away. Now I wonder if I hadn't inadvertently hypnotised her.

At work, appraisals are looming. You have to fill in a form, explaining how you have managed, say, to pick up a phone before it stops ringing. Then your objective next year will be to speak into the phone, and so it goes on. It is simply a matter of knowing how to phrase things in a way that they will understand. Such as, for Equality and Diversity - 'I have managed to repress my deep-seated racism and homophobia, and strive to regard all of my colleagues as equal, no matter how inferior they are.' Or, for Health and Safety - 'I have conquered my pyromaniac tendencies, and no longer feel compelled to arrange little 'accidents' for my colleagues with the office guillotine.' The secret is to give the impression that you have triumphed over something. Otherwise it's like you don't mean it.