bestiary

I stayed at my aunt's in Newquay, a family holiday. 'Hello Martin', she said - to Justin. It hardly mattered. Holidays are about forgetting who you are. Calm days of gazing out to sea, into the misty distance, but nights of terror as the cat tried to break into my room, leaping up at the door handle. Unsuccessful in the first instance it seemed to retreat, but moments later I heard alarming crashing noises. Perhaps it was constructing a small battering ram - so I wondered, trembling in the dark. It's name was Gromit, after all.

I exaggerate. I don't even dislike cats. Dogs are another matter. My cousin nextdoor had a new dog, a Hungarian breed with a serious and old-fashioned look, as though by rights it should have been staring dolefully out of an ancestral portrait in some faraway hunting lodge. It could even have got away with a moustache, I thought. But its air of dignity was somewhat undermined by its failure to achieve stillness and by its constant attempts to chew through its lead. What if it succeeded? Would the house survive? Would we? Only a puppy, it was still big enough and clearly its ambition was to be everywhere at once. Thank God it lived nextdoor.

As though this wasn't enough in the bestial line, we went to the zoo. A woman persuaded me to 'gift aid my entry fee'. I didn't understand but I said yes. I had to give them my postcode, at which point my fears began, as if I would return home to find the place full of, say, marmosets.

Heidi wanted to see the lions. She didn't really want to see anything else. It seemed for a moment as if it would be necessary to pretend that all the animals were lions: monkey lions, ostrich lions, penguin lions... Luckily, there was enough in the way of distraction to keep her amused until we got to see the actual lions being fed. The meat was hidden under some logs, which did not present much of a challenge to these beasts. A voice explained that, in order to keep their interest, the lions were often fed in 'exciting' ways. Meat attached to bungee cords, hidden inside papier-mache zebras, and so on. You imagined the lions, presented with their keepers' latest wheeze, wearily rolling their eyes. How undignified.

An animal renowned for its 'speed and energy' was lying on its back as if dead. The tapir seemed to be mating, a process which involved the half-drowning of one of them. For all of these reasons I very much enjoyed my day at the zoo.