Ikeaster

On the way to work I see that the Nuffield are advertising a 'Free Cosmetic Surgery Open Event.' Imagine the carnage! Still, if you've always fancied trying your hand at rhinoplasty, but have been put off by the thought of all those years of study, here's your chance.

Lorraine thought she had a fifty pence piece, but it turned out to be a Mauritian coin. She was going to try and put it in one of the vending machines in the canteen, but I warned her that an alarm would go off, and she would immediately be extradited to Mauritius. She didn't try it - whether because of my warning or for reasons of her own, I couldn't say.

I spent Easter in Ikea with Dave and his friend Helen. Well perhaps not the whole of Easter, but time does tend to warp in that place. After hours of staring at objects with bizarre names like 'Fartyg', you start to think you've gone insane.

I bought a small blue dog and a black Benno.

There was a barbecue at Matandamandas. Mat held Samuel in front of the barbecue. 'Piggies!', he shrieked, wanting his son to understand just where those sizzling sausages came from. 'Piggies!', echoed Sam. Hmm, wasn't that one of Charles Manson's catchphrases? Maybe that was how Manson got started - his Dad imprinting upon him the association between attractive things and things that must be killed and eaten. Mat didn't seem concerned by the idea that Sam might turn into a serial killer. He might not be so happy if he turns into a vegetarian, though.