Squirrels

Another leaving do at work, but on this occasion it's voluntary, so no need to feel guilty while tucking into the sandwiches. The carrot cake is another matter. Have I been in the organisation long enough to be the first to cut into a pristine carrot cake, decorated with white chocolate curls and pretend carrots? Surely I would need to be Grade 7 or above to get away with that?

Luckily, someone else moves in, and I follow. It proves to be worth the wait.

Squirrels invaded the canteen at work once. There was a bit of a hoo-hah, I am told.

Neither squirrels nor overeating are featured, I notice, on the new comprehensive drop-down menu on the sickness absence form. Nevertheless, it's a veritable Smorgasbord of reasons not to come to work. 'Burns, poisoning, frostbite and hypothermia' - wonder how often that one gets used? And if you aren't suffering from anything official, there's also the very useful 'unknown causes'. 'I can't come in today - my unknown causes have flared up again.' Oh yes, I'm a martyr to my unknown causes.

We also now have 'substance abuse'. Does this mean that I can inject myself with heroin on a Monday morning and then ring and tell them I don't feel like going to work now? As long as it's on the drop-down menu, no problem.