now I'll have to kill you

At work the absence of some document folders was pronounced 'very strange'. In the next office, they were talking about ejaculating penguins.

At lunchtime I go down to the coffee lounge to leaf through old magazines and read about 'celebrities' with names like 'Jackiey' and 'Angellica'. These are people who are so desperate to keep hold of the public's attention that they disguise themselves as typos.

On Resonance, they were advertising a night presided over by 'DJ Spinmaster Plantpot'. How long before he (or she) appears on All Star Mr. and Mrs.? Ice T was on there the other night. What does this mean? Probably a sign that the Apocalypse is close at hand. Have you seen Take Me Out?

There was a meeting in London to break up the working week. Well, that wasn't the only reason for it, I suppose. It commenced with a section called 'Getting To Know You'. You had to come up with three 'facts' about yourself, 'one of which should be fictitious'. My first fact was that 'according to my intranet profile, one of my hobbies is dressing up as a prawn'. This is true. Every month I change the penultimate sentence of my profile to introduce a new hobby I've made up. These have included 'juggling with hedgehogs' and 'stalking Gary Wilmot'. So it seemed clever to use that. Only now I feel like I've said too much. People can only take in so much information and I can see myself being remembered, if at all, as 'that guy who dresses like a prawn'. Even though I never have.

Then again it is perhaps better that they remember that. Rather than, for example, the fact that I confessed to those murders... That was a bit of a mistake on my part. Saying it, I mean. Not the murders.