Johnny Man Bag

So the dreaded day of Mat's stag do arrived. The prospect of war games in the rain was not appealing. In fact, I'm pretty sure I was suffering from pre-traumatic stress syndrome. Meanwhile, everyone else was amusing themselves with the thought of me 'going Rambo' and disappearing into the Abridge woods, never to return.

In fact, 'laser tag' turned out to be fun if treated more in the vein of a Sunday stroll in the countryside. Obviously there was an element of hiding behind things while clutching my weapon. But my Sunday strolls tend to involve that anyway.

I was even able to kill a few people. Which came as a pleasant surprise.

Props included tanks, a crashed Cessna, fairy wings, and a tutu. These last were sported by the stag, of course. And it didn't necessarily demean him - I read that in the (apparently 'stunning') new film Johnny Mad Dog the ferocious African boy soldiers who are the subject of the film wear wigs, wedding dresses and, yes, fairy wings. Although a group of young kids we passed, not having the benefit of this cultural reference, laughed at him and called him 'gay'.('And you're homophobic!', retorted one of our number.)

Despite the accessories, Mat's team (and mine) won very conclusively, although the spoils of war (free promotional mugs and weak orange squash) went to victor and defeated alike.

All in all, I was really surprised at how much I enjoyed this. Perhaps I'll take up real war now.

After this we went into London to be made drunk. Rhys had prepared a Mr & Mrs style quiz for Mat. I remember Mr & Mrs when it was presented by Derek Batey and made by Border TV (coincidentally owned by Derek Batey). 'How does he like his bacon?', he used to say. I don't remember him talking about the contestant's flaccid penises, so this was obviously an innovation of Rhys. In any case it served its purpose, which was to force Mat to drink some shots, including one which came in a fancy bottle but which smelled like Toilet Duck. Soon, Mat was very pissed, and resembled some kind of effete zombie.

We ended up in the curry house in Brick Lane which features paintings of such well-loved figures of Indian mythology as Princess Diana, and Mat was presented with a whole chicken which Rhys had vomited on specially (Mat was apparently so drunk that he thought this yellow stuff was some form of omelette!)

As if in horror, the clocks went back.