Danny Diarrhoea

There is a new temp at work. It took her five hours to finish a task on her first day and she was worried that she wouldn't keep pace with the rest of us.

She needn't worry. She'll soon slow down.

Talking of working to make ends meet, there is a new series of Danny Dyer's Deadliest Men. 'I'm really shitting myself', he confides to camera while on his way to meet this episode's deadliest man, a bare-knuckle boxer. It's a refreshingly frank approach. Jeremy Paxman might try it at the beginning of Newsnight. 'I'm interviewing David Cameron tonight and I'm really shitting myself.' Although in that case it would be Cameron doing the shitting I suppose.

Really the series should be called Danny Dyer's Worst Nightmare judging by the number of times he says something is his worst nightmare - often something quite innocuous, like standing close to a place where some trouble might possibly be about to break out. I mean, how many worst nightmares can one man have? One of his worst nightmares is being a West Ham supporter in a crowded pub full of leery Man U fans on the night of a crucial game against Barcelona. Even off the top of my head I can think of quite simple ways to make that nightmare worse. The game could be against West Ham, for example. A man-eating tiger could enter the pub. And so on.

What does enter the pub, amazingly, is Shayne Ward, a distant cousin of the bare knuckle boxer. This makes Danny even more uncomfortable, for some reason. Is there nobody he isn't frightened of? Imagine if Jedward turned up! He might shit himself to death.

One reason to stay tuned.