one reason why you don't see me on the shop floor

At work of course it’s busy. And not, of course, as busy as last year, or the year before that. I’d prefer it if it just stopped dead, instead of this slow decline. Stop teasing the retail trade, shoppers. Make up your minds and stay away. Then we can all go home.

In a futile bid to reverse the trend, Ottakars have introduced ‘the sash’. It says ‘Can I Help You?’, and you’re meant to wear it with pride, like you’ve just been voted Miss Ottakars. Reaction from staff has been decidedly mixed. On the intranet discussion boards there were two schools of thought: one that ‘the sash’ was a ghastly symbol of corporate oppression, and the other (from more career-minded - or naturally flamboyant - contributors) that it was ‘fun’. Naturally I was more inclined to sympathize with the first argument, especially as our assistant manager, in a spirit of hysteria (or ‘fun’, if you prefer) decided to supplement it with a gold tinsel crown. Clearly they have stumbled across a formula at Head Office dictating that the more stupid staff are made to look, the more sales improve. Next year we’ll all have to come in wearing fluorescent fake fur bikinis and fishnet tights. And that’s a look I prefer to confine to evening wear.

For the record, I wore ‘the sash’ (so far, the shop has only one) for five minutes before it unaccountably wriggled free of my body and slumped to the floor like the cast-off skin of a snake. Frankly, it made me feel bad about myself. As for the crown, I just don’t feel I deserve it.