eurodivision

I went out the other week to register my protest vote against UKIP. Sadly, it failed. I suppose when all the other parties are fronted by people who look increasingly like cartoon characters, it's really no surprise when people vote for the biggest cartoon of all – Nigel Farrago and his bowler-hatted crew.

Nevertheless I'm sure that, once they are in power, they will sort us out with their five-point plan:

1. Ban immigration.
2. Pull out of Europe.
3. Everything will be alright.
4. If everything is not alright, blame Gay Witchcraft.
5. If Gay Witchcraft proves more widespread than was first thought, relocate to the South of France, agreeing with the French that the UK is a shithole after all. Or it is now, anyway.

The BNP were encouraging people to vote for them in order to 'hurt politicians' – so said a leaflet that landed on my doormat along with other vital information about pizzas and tree surgery. It seems a strange reason to vote, and unlikely to alter the popular view of them as a bunch of thugs. And apparently, nobody much voted for them, which is one piece of good news. Otherwise, Europe seems to be swerving to the right. If Hitler made a comeback, he wouldn't even have to start a war – they'd welcome him in with open arms.

Luckily, Joey Essex has been seen in the company of politicians, so perhaps there will soon be a real alternative. A recent poll has suggested that plenty of people would vote for him. What are his policies? Who cares? Insiders suggest that he has a refreshing lack of them. But at least he knows, and everyone else knows, that he doesn't know. It's a start.