at the mountains of madness

Not so long ago these strange trailers started appearing on the BBC: a mountain looming out of icy darkness, the doom-laden voice of Charles Dance issuing a dire warning to mortals...The implication seemed to be that some Lovecraftian monstrosity was about to emerge from behind the mountain to attempt world domination – but no such luck, it was only the Winter Olympics. Nothing sinister there. Although apparently there is a skeleton.

Also, it's happening in Putinland, which is quite sinister. Just as I have banned all Winter Olympic transmissions from my home (lest I get the urge to don pink lycra and slide down a slope in intimate conjunction with another), so Putin has banned all 'promotion' of homosexuality in his country, possibly for similar reasons. Although he has stated that visiting gays have 'nothing to fear'. Which hardly sounds like an invitation. Visit Russia: There Is Nothing To Fear - one of their tourist board's less successful campaigns (voiced by Charles Dance, I believe.)

I have to say it's all a bit rich coming from a man whose performance of hypermasculinity ('Oh no, my shirt has fallen off my muscular torso again and here are the news cameras just arriving at my door!') teeters on the verge of camp itself.

But Putin is only worried about the children, having made a spurious connection, albeit one in line with popular prejudice, between homosexuality and paedophilia. Recent high profile court cases in the UK don't necessarily bear him out – but that's the decadent West for you. One thing we can perhaps say with some confidence is that most paedophiles are men, but then Putin likes men. I mean he likes male company. I mean he's attracted to masculinity. I mean...

Well never mind – history has shown that the best way of preventing child abuse is to create a closed society where homosexuality, unacknowledged, is cloaked in secrecy and shame. It certainly worked for the Catholic Church.

And now Pussy Riot have been horsewhipped by the Cossacks! It may sound like a news headline from The Two Ronnies, but sadly it's really happening, now. It's all very worrying. And if you don't agree, why don't you go live in Russia?