let there be light entertainment

So Joey Essex has been expelled from his jungle Eden. Is it an exaggeration to say that this is a tragedy for the civilized world? It means that his ability to transcend stupidity has not been recognised. This crushing eviction means that we may never be presented with the fruits of his philosophy - a magnum opus that would have started from the premise that (as once revealed by JE on Celebrity Juice) 'Richard and Judy created the world'.

More tragically, it also suggests that people are getting bored with TOWIE. Just as I'm about to do my version of it.

Well not just mine. It's Mat's idea to make a film, and he was pestering me for an idea. When I said I had one, he said now he'd have to save up to buy a camera.

The idea is to rediscover pre-TOWIE Brentwood, whose main claim to fame was boredom. Wasn't it voted most boring town in Britain? (No – that would have been too interesting - it was just somewhere in the top ten.) So this will be our mission – to seek out the dullest aspects of the town, and perhaps even of all Essex. Boring is the new exciting. There will be lots of shots of Poundland, which has recently opened in Brentwood High Street. Our 'characters' (if any) can marvel endlessly at the fact that everything in this shop is a pound. They can continually pester the staff: 'How much is this? A pound? Really? And this?'

If Poundland is the antithesis of TOWIE glam, it is also in some mysterious way its logical conclusion. The Only Way Is Poundland. But we need a better acronym than TOWIP. How about There's More To Essex Than Meets The Eye, or TMTETMTE? Now this isn't the kind of acronym that makes the title easier to say, it isn't about convenience at all. Rather, it's the kind of acronym that insists that you drop everything you're doing as you attempt to pronounce it. Which is exactly the effect we want.

The best way to approach it is to split it into two equal parts: TMTE TMTE. Then lower your voice a few octaves: 'Tummm-tayyy, tummm-tayyy.' Ideally you should end up sounding like a participant in some sinister voodoo rite. See? Instant gravitas.