in the realm of the senseless

Even the bad reviews of Nicholas Winding Refn's Only God Forgives made me want to see it. Dave Calhoun's one-star review in Time Out begins: 'A dread-filled electronic score, neon, zombie-like performances and violent scenes of amputation.' What's not to like?

Unfortunately, the film. The music's heavy-handed, the slow pace forced, and the dedication to director Alejandro Jodorowsky at the end makes it all too clear what the film lacks - a sense of humour. Have you seen The Holy Mountain? Jodorowsky is funny.

On the other hand you have to admire its determination to fuck with the viewer. Refn and Ryan Gosling had a big deserved hit with Drive last year, and here it's like Refn wants to do penance for that. Maybe there was something a little suspect, a little too smooth, about Drive's neon glamour after all – it works too well, our identification with Gosling's Driver is a little too easy. Well, what better way of making amends for a film that works than with one that doesn't?

The colour scheme in Only God Forgives is just as pretty as in Drive but Gosling's hero seems to have had his drive uninstalled. In fact, he's a thoroughly emasculated hero - undecided, impotent, and completely dominated by his monstrous mother (a fabulously inhuman Kristin Scott Thomas). The emasculation extends even to Refn's treatment of Gosling the actor – giving him little dialogue, shooting him from unflattering angles. Male viewers will not be queuing up to identify with him, that's for sure, and Refn's evocation of castration anxiety through severed arms and torture-by-metal-chopstick will only alienate them further.

Christopher Tookey in the Daily Mail certainly hated it. It featured in an article of his that got positioned right next to the editorial, as if it were news. It was about how poor Chris' movie-going duties have left him desensitized to violence. Sixteen years ago, you see, he witnessed the aftermath of a murder and didn't have nightmares. No, he was 'totally unaffected'. There 'can only be one explanation' for this. He's an unfeeling bastard? No of course not! It's because he's seen too many films.

Hold on, that was sixteen years ago. By now he must be really densensitized. It's a wonder he isn't beating people up in the streets. But, as far as I know, he isn't. Instead, he's writing about how Only God Forgives and Kick Ass 2 are overly violent. Which suggests that he hasn't been desensitized even to movie violence, let alone real violence – that, in fact, these films have resensitized him. Maybe he should be grateful. The violence in Only God Forgives is properly nasty, like violence ought to be - not casual and certainly not fun. Anyway, why is it only violence that people worry about being desensitized to and not, say, romantic comedy?

There isn't much in the article about the murder that (after sixteen years) prompted it – it's as if he didn't want to clutter his argument with too many facts. But we do get a description of the killers swaggering as they walk away from the scene of the crime, like 'movie heroes'. This is a cheap shot - I think swaggering predates the movies.

But luckily, there is a solution to all this. I got it from the 1972 film Cannibal Girls, which I saw on DVD recently. This features a gimmick wherein an 'alarm bell' (actually, it's more like an air horn) sounds whenever a gruesome scene is about to transpire, while a gentle chime (which sounds like it's going to introduce a tannoy announcement) plays when it's 'safe' to look at the screen again. This is exactly what Only God Forgives needs, and, applied to other films, should help prevent Christopher Tookey from turning into a raving psychopath. It may be too late for other critics. Peter Bradshaw in the Guardian gave Only God Forgives five stars. We can only pray for his soul.