the old man and the charts

It is quite a long time since I have known what's number one, but Daft Punk's single Get Lucky seems to have changed all that. I have never particularly liked Daft Punk, but the first time I heard this single it struck me immediately not only that I liked it but that I could hardly imagine anybody anywhere not liking it. This was before I learned that out of the three people in my office two of them found it irritating. They unaccountably like that horrible Caro Emerald song Liquid Lunch, which really does seem to be about the perils of drinking at lunchtime (in spite of the oddly suggestive line 'The girls got going and we had a munch') and which makes me feel slightly nauseous. Although I have to admit that this is thematically appropriate.

As for Daft Punk, their song speaks to me in spite of its theme. It's a long time since I've been 'up all night to get lucky' (or for any other reason). I'm up at night quite a lot, but that isn't 'for good fun'. It's for a piss.

Nevertheless my interest in this song has not only been considerable enough to make me buy the album, but has also drawn me into watching The Official Chart Countdown on Viva. Well, some of it. The first thing to appear is a woman called Demi Lovato singing about how she fears that she may at some point in time and under certain conditions, have a heart attack. This is a metaphorical heart attack, I understand, but still, should her career continue to thrive I can't see her singing this in her sixties – bit too close to the bone.

She probably needn't worry – I'm sure it won't come to that.

Demi is in the minority in the charts at the moment (and by 'at the moment' I mean two weeks ago) by virtue of being a woman and, moreover, only one woman. Most of the acts seem to consist of people 'with' or 'featuring' other people. Can nobody take responsibility for anything anymore? As for women, there's not much change there: their fate in the world of pop video is mostly still to be part of the decor. One woman is praised for her ability to 'Walk Like Rihanna', while being in all other respects incompetent. A decidely backhanded compliment - I mean, how difficult can it be, walking like Rihanna? Surely even I could do it with the proper training. Then they could write a crap song about me.

Oh, here comes a 'rap anthem' (what next, a rap hymn?) by three people. It isn't at all clear how the workload is distributed, but subsequently I have discovered that the (white) rapper is called Macklemore. According to the critic in the Mail On Sunday, he is very good, but this first experience only brings to mind the dread words 'Vanilla Ice', though Macklemore is possibly more intelligent: for example, he can spell the word 'independent', and proceeds to do so. Someone called 'Ray Dalton' is also involved, but I don't know what he does. He sounds like a plumber, and perhaps he is – it's always useful to have something to fall back on, if it doesn't work out.

The thrust of their 'anthem' naturally lies in the chorus, which encourages a notional roomful of people to 'put our hands up like the ceiling can't hold us.' I'm struggling to visualise this, to be honest. Is this an especially low-ceilinged room? You wouldn't expect your hands to be intercepted by the ceiling in your average nightclub, surely. The video, which features a camel, is no help with this at all. Perhaps the fans of Macklemore are especially tall, or long-armed. More likely, they are jumping into the air – but then they should really be worrying about whether the floor, not the ceiling, can hold them. But such ignorance of health and safety issues is typical of the young people, I find.

Finally, I reached the top of the chart to discover that Daft Punk are there no longer. They have been replaced by a song about putting your fingers in your ears and going la la la, 'like a child'. Good advice, when this particular song is playing.