The Campaign For Unrestrained Masturbation

Closure of the Brentwood 'branch' of NHS Blood And Transplant has finally been more-or-less confirmed, though we still don't know where we are going. There has been a lot of talk recently of 'working in grey areas' – hopefully, we won't find ourselves in one of those. An industrial estate in the middle of nowhere, for example.

It has been surprisingly busy in the wake of a big organ donation campaign. There is no longer funding for TV campaigns (though a partnership with You've Been Framed strikes me as a good idea) but, well, they got on Lorraine, so that's a success I think. Among the things I was made aware of during this year's Transplant Week was the existence of the 'finger-assisted' method of living kidney donation. Apparently this has been pioneered by a Harley Street surgeon, one with peculiarly nimble fingers, or so I like to imagine - all he has to do is tickle the patient's side, and the kidney just pops out into his hand! I believe it's called kidney fiddling. Sounds a bit dodgy to me.

Talking of which, that David Cameron was on the radio talking about internet porn. This is not his way of getting down with the people by sharing his favourite sites – in fact he wants to block it. The killjoy! Not that he seems to know much about the technical details (those Google chappies are awfully clever, though, they're bound to think of something) but still he won't rest until he's set the cause of masturbation back twenty years at least. It's enough to make you want to form a political party composed entirely of complete wankers. I don't think anyone's thought of that before (please correct me if I'm wrong) so am currently in discussion with friends down the pub (suggested slogan: 'What is this country coming to?')

(One good thing about masturbation - there's no body to dispose of in the morning.)

Another prominent news story illustrated the dangers of not (merely) wanking – a baby was born! And not just any old baby – a royal one! Jeremy Vine was all over it. The difficulty was in finding anything to say: they wound up having to cover the topic of people who are irritated by everyone endlessly going on about it - which of course was just another way of endlessly going on about it. They also covered other births taking place on the same day, to demonstrate that a common birth is just as trivial as a royal one. Sorry, I mean just as important. Somehow the whole event has been eclipsed in my mind by Andrew Lincoln's wife giving birth on The Walking Dead last Sunday, immediately following which she was shot in the head. Those royals have it easy, don't they?