little awful annie

I was watching the film Orphan, in which a couple adopt a 12-year old Russian girl. Because they don't know they're in a horror film, it doesn't occur to them that she might be irredeemably evil. But she is. No sooner has she killed a full-grown nun with a hammer, than she is taking a knife to her new little brother. 'I will cut off your hairless little prick before you even know what to do with it', she snarls. There's a girl who'd really benefit from a spell in finishing school.

Is she, perhaps, the reincarnation of Stalin? Or some kind of genetically-modified Soviet super-weapon? I was fully prepared for either eventuality. The (SPOILER ALERT) truth is simpler - she's thirty-two! A thirty-two year old maniac Russian - well, actually Estonian - dwarf. The adoption agency have certainly taken their eye off the ball here.

Not that the couple went through an agency, which was perhaps the film's message. Even so, I felt that here was a suitable challenge for inclusion in my Customer Service qualification - you're allowed to invent examples. I mean, imagine having to make that call: 'Apologies, but unfortunately, due to an administrative error, you have been sent a homicidal dwarf instead of the little girl you were expecting. Sorry about this. Possible our medical checks should have been more thorough. Our strong advice to you is to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW! SHE'S GOT A KNIFE! DON'T GO IN THE CONSERVATORY! RUN! Once again: sincere apologies.'

My assessor is going to be very impressed, I think.