adventure of the duck egg walls

Because I have to paint my room in the new house I have been obsessively examining the interior decor on TV programmes in search of clues. Lilac, my first choice, seems to be popular. In Eastenders it was in Ian Beale's living room, and then, when Kat fell over and had to have her baby checked out in hospital, it was in there too. It has also featured on Holby City. Yes, lilac has really jumped the shark, as they say. I'm glad I chose duck egg blue, or - as Mat calls it - 'egg duck'. It's more classy, like, you know, Downton Abbey or whatever.

Mat and Amanda and Sam were round at Justin and Bobs' for post-firework soup and hot dogs. Sam, with swept-back hair like a mad professor's, did his Darth Vader impression, which takes its place along with all the normal farmyard noises in his repertoire. Some are born into geekdom, some achieve geekdom, and others have geekdom thrust upon them. In Sam's case I think it's all three.

Mat's latest obsession is Sherlock Holmes, though when he was talking about it the other night in the Swan he seemed mainly interested in the amount of ejaculation going on in the stories. Of course he meant verbal ejaculations. He was particularly struck by a scene in which Watson was woken by Holmes ejaculating from the corner of the room.

In emulation of his hero, Mat's powers of logical thought have now been honed to such a point that, becoming aware of a strange smell in the Swan toilets, he was finally able to deduce - or, if you prefer, 'remember' - that he had eaten asparagus earlier that evening, and that the curious smell therefore came from his own piss!

Whether he then ejaculated I am unable to say.