soldier talk

Jeremy Vine was talking to a military expert about Afghanistan. He said that the Taliban were 'like fish' and also offered this piece of wisdom: 'If you kill the local people, they'll never support us.'

A great alternative to killing other people is to kill yourself. Or at least punish yourself in the name of fitness. A leaflet came through the door offering various sports and exercise-related activities I was very unlikely to be interested in. A new class called 'Body Attack' was offered. This sounds like a worryingly proactive self-defence class, but is, I think, just another form of aerobics. It seems a curious message to use in promoting health though: you must attack your own body. Like a starved Alsatian. 'Rip it apart!', yells the instructor, fresh from a starring role in Danny Dyer's Deadliest Men.

Regular readers may be disappointed that there was no mention of DD in last week's episode. I mean, this is pretty much a Danny Dyer fan site now. Or the nearest thing he has to one. (Only joking, Danny, if you're reading this!) The other week he met Mo Teague, an ex-soldier who left the forces with only 'a capacity for extreme brutality' on his CV. Well, that and a level one qualification in PowerPoint. Despite being a monkey-wrench wielding bouncer and, er, royal photographer, Mo is also a 'doting grandfather'. 'But we're not doing a documentary about doting grandfathers', says Danny. No, but you will, Danny. You will.

Ironically for a man with an avowed propensity for shitting himself, Danny's worst nightmare in this one comes from not being able to shit himself. Out on manoeuvres in the countryside with Mo, he is called upon to defecate into some clingfilm (which is how real soldiers while away the small hours apparently) can't follow through, and is driven away in a big black car. He won't win hearts and minds like this.