the panda-prawn continuum
Get Selling is here at last! We assembled half an hour early on Tuesday for the introductory session. Barbara was there waiting for us but not, contrary to rumour, dressed in a giant panda costume. Who started those rumours anyway? Oh, it was me.
That disappointment notwithstanding, there were plenty of laughs to compensate. Apparently it is no longer enough for customers to be satisfied, they have to be - wait for it - 'delighted'. We were called upon to penetrate their 'zone of affection' (retail's elusive g-spot) and share with them 'moments of truth'. Basically, we have to have sex with them and call them the next day.
You see, 33% of the population didn't buy a book last year, and this represents, so we are told, an 'untapped market'. Hm, wonder if that's how the Meat Marketing Board think of vegetarians, as 'an untapped market'. Some people just don't read. And just how are you meant to get them into the shop in the first place? Fill the window with dishwashers or sex toys?
Barbara drew a line in black marker pen, which was, apparently, 'a continuum'. A double glazing salesman was at one end (metaphorically) and a chemist at the other (also metaphorically). We were asked where we were now on this line (in terms of aggressive sales technique), and where we should be. We were, it transpired, quite near to the chemist. I thought we should be even nearer. I actually thought we should be behind the chemist, in the back room where they make up the prescriptions and where the public aren't allowed.
But it turned out that I was wrong.
We were asked to give feedback. If I were able to say 'bollocks' and burp at the same time (Dave is something of an expert at this), then that would have been my feedback. As it is, I made do with just the 'bollocks'. I might equally have said that I found this introductory session 'inspiring'. Though not, perhaps, in quite the way they would have wanted.
It seems that, quite by coincidence, I have booked a lot of Tuesdays off over the coming weeks so I may well miss session four (in which we 'explore our sexuality') and session five (lobotomy). But I have the next session to look forward to. This will be led by our area manager (Barbara having now fled the country). From what I've heard, he will be dressed as a king prawn. I can't wait.
That disappointment notwithstanding, there were plenty of laughs to compensate. Apparently it is no longer enough for customers to be satisfied, they have to be - wait for it - 'delighted'. We were called upon to penetrate their 'zone of affection' (retail's elusive g-spot) and share with them 'moments of truth'. Basically, we have to have sex with them and call them the next day.
You see, 33% of the population didn't buy a book last year, and this represents, so we are told, an 'untapped market'. Hm, wonder if that's how the Meat Marketing Board think of vegetarians, as 'an untapped market'. Some people just don't read. And just how are you meant to get them into the shop in the first place? Fill the window with dishwashers or sex toys?
Barbara drew a line in black marker pen, which was, apparently, 'a continuum'. A double glazing salesman was at one end (metaphorically) and a chemist at the other (also metaphorically). We were asked where we were now on this line (in terms of aggressive sales technique), and where we should be. We were, it transpired, quite near to the chemist. I thought we should be even nearer. I actually thought we should be behind the chemist, in the back room where they make up the prescriptions and where the public aren't allowed.
But it turned out that I was wrong.
We were asked to give feedback. If I were able to say 'bollocks' and burp at the same time (Dave is something of an expert at this), then that would have been my feedback. As it is, I made do with just the 'bollocks'. I might equally have said that I found this introductory session 'inspiring'. Though not, perhaps, in quite the way they would have wanted.
It seems that, quite by coincidence, I have booked a lot of Tuesdays off over the coming weeks so I may well miss session four (in which we 'explore our sexuality') and session five (lobotomy). But I have the next session to look forward to. This will be led by our area manager (Barbara having now fled the country). From what I've heard, he will be dressed as a king prawn. I can't wait.
posted by martin at 12:21 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home