well sick

Last week Dave had a brush with the highly-touted ‘norovirus’. The first symptom was watching the whole of the Eastenders omnibus in spite of having seen each individual episode at the time. I could tell that something was wrong, and wasn’t surprised when ‘waves of nausea’ followed shortly afterwards.

So far I have managed to avoid that. I still haven’t had a (legitimate) sick day off in my life. When Bruce Willis points this out to his boss in the film Unbreakable he instantly gets a pay rise, and later turns out to be a superhero. Real life is not so kind. However, I was told this week that I have 65 allotted sick days per year (that’s four months off if I time it right) and something in me must have welcomed this news because on hearing it I almost immediately fell ill.

First I had a sore throat and soon I sounded like that girl in The Exorcist (I stopped short of projectile-vomiting bile, but I had plenty of equally green snot to hand). Dave and Ross were highly amused, requesting Barry White impressions and renditions of favourite movie trailer voiceovers. Indeed at this point it almost was a novelty. My throat felt ill, but I didn’t.

Next day it was the other way around, but still I went in, and left only two hours early. The day after was my day off in any case and Saturday I was back in the thick of it. My 65 days remain intact. If this opt-out fails, I also found time to apply for (an application form for) another job. Office work. Fewer hours, more money. Every other Friday off. The only snag is you have to have an ‘interest’ in human resources. How do you fake that? I’m so uninterested in them I can’t even be bothered to find out what they are. Despite this, I’ve made a start: ‘Of all the earth’s resources, I believe humans are one of the most important. Humans are considered vital to the running of many organizations. I myself am human…’

Perhaps I should work on my new-found talent for illness instead…