bleeding dross
Voluminous bright red ‘Christmas gift finder’ T-shirts have appeared at work. ‘Ask me for gift ideas’, they suggest. Who are they kidding? I have enough trouble finding gifts for people I’ve known all my life, let alone people I’ve only met ten seconds ago. Unless these shirts confer supernatural powers on the wearer… but I don’t want to know.
I don’t have to. I’m out the back. Soon I will be able to quote the ads on Phoenix FM verbatim, including the one for the beauty salon which promises to give visitors ‘the benefit of our culture’. In Essex, that’s like telling you to fuck off. They also use the word ‘strive’ which is a mistake in an advert, I think, because it makes the whole thing sound like a response to a customer complaint, as in: ‘We strive to give a friendly and professional service. Unfortunately, on this occasion we electrocuted and stabbed you. Sorry.’
Listening to Phoenix has also introduced me to music that I might previously have been unaware of. Not so much obscure stuff as the kind of songs that have been number one for the last five weeks. I’m talking about Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis. Although Phoenix do have a reasonably varied playlist, they seem inordinately fond of this, on one occasion even playing it twice within the space of ten minutes. ‘You cut me open and I keep bleeding love’, wails the X-Factor winner (unless it’s: ‘You cut me open and I keep bleeding, love.’) There’s a thin line between a vivid metaphor and something genuinely nauseating, and Leona is not afraid to cross it. Nick Cave, eat your heart out. Is the title of her next single, apparently.
Honestly, being forced to listen to this stuff has been a revelation. For example, it turns out that Rihanna’s Shut Up And Drive isn’t about cars at all. It’s about sex! Yes, really. ‘What’s under my hood’ is a reference to certain parts of a lady, while the driver’s ‘keys’ are symbolic of his throbbing manhood. She doesn’t explain why this man has more than one penis, but then we can’t expect strict biological accuracy from hit singles.
‘You’ve just sprung this big thing on me. I can’t take it all in.’ That was Heartbeat, just now. See, they’re all at it. Next week’s episode is about German porn. I'm not joking.
I don’t have to. I’m out the back. Soon I will be able to quote the ads on Phoenix FM verbatim, including the one for the beauty salon which promises to give visitors ‘the benefit of our culture’. In Essex, that’s like telling you to fuck off. They also use the word ‘strive’ which is a mistake in an advert, I think, because it makes the whole thing sound like a response to a customer complaint, as in: ‘We strive to give a friendly and professional service. Unfortunately, on this occasion we electrocuted and stabbed you. Sorry.’
Listening to Phoenix has also introduced me to music that I might previously have been unaware of. Not so much obscure stuff as the kind of songs that have been number one for the last five weeks. I’m talking about Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis. Although Phoenix do have a reasonably varied playlist, they seem inordinately fond of this, on one occasion even playing it twice within the space of ten minutes. ‘You cut me open and I keep bleeding love’, wails the X-Factor winner (unless it’s: ‘You cut me open and I keep bleeding, love.’) There’s a thin line between a vivid metaphor and something genuinely nauseating, and Leona is not afraid to cross it. Nick Cave, eat your heart out. Is the title of her next single, apparently.
Honestly, being forced to listen to this stuff has been a revelation. For example, it turns out that Rihanna’s Shut Up And Drive isn’t about cars at all. It’s about sex! Yes, really. ‘What’s under my hood’ is a reference to certain parts of a lady, while the driver’s ‘keys’ are symbolic of his throbbing manhood. She doesn’t explain why this man has more than one penis, but then we can’t expect strict biological accuracy from hit singles.
‘You’ve just sprung this big thing on me. I can’t take it all in.’ That was Heartbeat, just now. See, they’re all at it. Next week’s episode is about German porn. I'm not joking.
posted by martin at 1:21 PM
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