sausages

Christians set up camp across the road from the shop, offering free barbecue. Along with music (plaintive warbling about Jesus and friends), delicious smells of sizzling meat and onions drifted across to us. I thought it was the devil who was meant to tempt you. Hungry as I was, I stood firm. The thing is, with Christians it’s all symbolic. You may think they’re just offering you a sausage - in fact, they’re making you suck Jesus’ cock.

At work there's a move to encourage us to 'drive traffic' towards Waterstones.com. The shop who puts the most custom their way is rewarded with a delivery of muffins. Hang on though, aren't they in fact telling us to drive customers away? Fine by me: I'll station myself at the entrance with a rifle. I can live on muffins.

Mat is still moving in with Amanda, although the latest news is that instead of having a baby they are going to have a pig. Called Frazzle. Apparently there was a particularly attractive one on TV the other night. The big joke used to be: why would Amanda want a child when she has one already, ie: Mat? Well you could say exactly the same about a pig, except it would be cruel. To pigs. Who, as everyone knows, are very clean animals, and never leave their damp trainers and socks out on the patio.

Of course, Mat is not messy, he's creative. As Dave says, his living space is his canvas and he is compelled to fill every bit of it. He may even be creating life. I went out on Sunday and the trainers and socks were still out on the patio, but when I returned a little later the trainers were in the kitchen. Probably trying to get away from the socks, I theorised.