is it over yet?

I was pleased to learn that they have discovered the cause of male pattern baldness - faulty stem cells, apparently. The same article went on to say that men don't really lose their hair - it is just that their hair is too small to be visible to the naked eye. What a relief. I thought I was going bald, but it turns out I have loads of invisible hair, a whole cloud of the stuff floating on top of my head like candyfloss. It must be pretty long by now, since I only instruct my barber to cut the visible stuff.

A cure for male pattern baldness! Surely this is one of the Signs of the Apocalypse? I notice that flocks of birds have begun their year by falling stone dead out of the sky. This has been blamed variously on 'fireworks', and 'poisoned water sources'. Terry Nutkins appeared on Jeremy Vine to make a case for this last explanation and reassure us that it isn't the end of the world. It's always a bit deflating to hear that. Although if it actually happened the end of the world probably wouldn't be remotely amusing. One would probably even find oneself longing for the golden days of yesteryear when one wasn't being drowned in lava or crushed to death by rocks. But something in me does prepare to heave a huge sigh of relief at the thought of it. I was right not to get a private pension!

Or maybe it's only New Year fatigue - I am ashamed to say that overindulgence in the holiday season has left my guts in quite a state. They have straightened themselves out now - not literally, of course.