The Bookseller
‘Give the book to the lady’, said the mother to her little girl as they approached the counter. Now Paul and I may not be the most impressive specimens of manliness the world, or even Brentwood, has ever seen, but we are pretty obviously male, and we were the only human beings of any sex available at the counter at that particular time, so where had this ‘lady’ come from? Even if I was a woman I wouldn’t be a lady, I’d be a right old slapper, or so I like to think; I’m sure Paul would be the same.
Customers, that’s the problem. The other day when I explained to some guy who wanted to order a book that it was Waterstones’ policy to take the full payment for orders up front, he said: ‘Well, it’s my policy not to pay up front, so now what are you going to do?’ Well, what indeed? Beat you over the head with the procedures manual? As it happened, he said it in a jokey way, but I was still left at a loss. Really shoppers should be given guidelines on how to act in stores, and one of the key guidelines should be: don’t make jokes. Not unless your material is very, very good. I’m not paid to feign hilarity. Am I?
I served someone who wanted to pre-order the next Harry Potter. ‘Don’t be ridiculous’, I implied beneath whatever it was I actually said. ‘They haven’t even told us the publication date yet!’ Then I went on my break and read in trade magazine The Bookseller that in fact Waterstone’s are taking pre-orders for the next Harry Potter. And I looked over to my left, and there lay some posters advertising the fact. Apparently your three pounds is refunded if it doesn’t come in by Christmas. It’s almost like they’re getting people to sponsor her. She’s almost reached the end. All she needs is a few more million!
Well anyway it goes to show how much I know about bookselling, or indeed my immediate surroundings. I would never have thought anyone would be insane enough to reserve a book that doesn’t yet exist and that, when it does, will be available practically everywhere, often at a far cheaper price than Waterstone’s could do it for. But - the posters having now gone up - we have had several. Wonder if they’ll pay a deposit on my forthcoming novel? I haven’t written it yet, don’t know when or if it’ll ever be finished, but if you like Harry Potter... you’re going to love throwing money away on me too.
Customers, that’s the problem. The other day when I explained to some guy who wanted to order a book that it was Waterstones’ policy to take the full payment for orders up front, he said: ‘Well, it’s my policy not to pay up front, so now what are you going to do?’ Well, what indeed? Beat you over the head with the procedures manual? As it happened, he said it in a jokey way, but I was still left at a loss. Really shoppers should be given guidelines on how to act in stores, and one of the key guidelines should be: don’t make jokes. Not unless your material is very, very good. I’m not paid to feign hilarity. Am I?
I served someone who wanted to pre-order the next Harry Potter. ‘Don’t be ridiculous’, I implied beneath whatever it was I actually said. ‘They haven’t even told us the publication date yet!’ Then I went on my break and read in trade magazine The Bookseller that in fact Waterstone’s are taking pre-orders for the next Harry Potter. And I looked over to my left, and there lay some posters advertising the fact. Apparently your three pounds is refunded if it doesn’t come in by Christmas. It’s almost like they’re getting people to sponsor her. She’s almost reached the end. All she needs is a few more million!
Well anyway it goes to show how much I know about bookselling, or indeed my immediate surroundings. I would never have thought anyone would be insane enough to reserve a book that doesn’t yet exist and that, when it does, will be available practically everywhere, often at a far cheaper price than Waterstone’s could do it for. But - the posters having now gone up - we have had several. Wonder if they’ll pay a deposit on my forthcoming novel? I haven’t written it yet, don’t know when or if it’ll ever be finished, but if you like Harry Potter... you’re going to love throwing money away on me too.
posted by martin at 1:27 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home