the greatest love story of all time

There are occasional breaks in Mat’s constant chatter as he bustles about in the kitchen. This means he is texting Amanda, his girlfriend, currently in Australia. I think she is now to be referred to as his girlfriend, although for quite a while the official designation for their relationship was that he was ‘shagging the woman down the road’ (and vice versa). Clearly it’s more serious now. He’s heartbroken if she hasn’t texted him for five minutes (though she is permitted eight hours sleep). The texts are along the lines of: I miss you so so so so so much; I miss you a million times; I miss you a million times plus infinity. They really are.

At one stage he was saying that Amanda would rather be here with him than in Australia. ‘Get real’, I said. ‘She’s in Australia.’ He was quiet for a while, pacing around the kitchen. Then he suddenly said: ‘I’m getting a set of Global knives for Christmas.’ I’m still not entirely clear about how his mind works.

Still, it goes to show that persistence pays dividends. I remember the days when she would be lying on his bed and he’d be crawling all over her like a kid wanting to be let into a playpen. ‘Please can we have sex', he’d whine. ‘Please?’ It really was like a child tugging at his Mum’s sleeve. Except he wasn’t tugging at her sleeve. He was nudging at her arse. With his penis.