nature diary

I've been down the Green Man. The things we talk about! This came up, for example: the day the elderly couple down the road, who are obsessed with the wildlife in their garden, and have been known to make extravagant claims for it (giraffes on the patio, tarantulas in the shrubbery) discovered a frog (in heat) getting a blow job from an unwilling(?) fish in their pond. It was something of a scandal in the village. The pond had to be screened off. Questions were asked in the parish magazine.

The suburban garden is a profoundly mysterious place. Only the other day I saw another elderly villager, and asked how he was. He replied that he'd got 'the equivalent of whiplash injury' while 'picking rhubarb at midnight'. Tantalisingly, he refused to give away any more than that. Traumatised, probably.

I once inadvertently stepped on two frogs who were having sex. I'll never forget the sound it made.