here we go backwards

A lot of people were shocked that Mr. Thump won the US election, which surprised me, as he was one of only two candidates in the race, and thus more likely to win it than anybody else in the world - apart from the other one, obviously.

But I suppose it is surprising that he could do so by ignoring the golden rule of campaigning: pretend not to be an asshole.

Most candidates feel obliged to kiss babies, but throughout his campaign Crump (as I remember) was either groping them or having them taken outside and shot - possibly both. Unapologetic assholery seems to have won the day.

It’s a hard position to criticise and harder still to mock. Many jokes were made and none were able to stop him. It’s as if humour, as a way of destabilising authority, has become redundant. When Mr. Bump appoints someone called ‘Mad Dog’ as his Defence Secretary his message is clear: I’m making the jokes now.

The only thing is, they aren’t funny. Still, you have to laugh.

Recently, someone published a book called Why Dump Deserves Trust, Respect and Admiration. Its pages are blank.

Yet its content is surprisingly incisive. It tells us that, with his contradictory statements and blatantly unrealistic promises Mr. Stump has, almost skilfully, manouevered us to a point beyond language.

The perceived politically-correct ‘policing’ of language has made those who seem to ‘say what they think’ and ‘tell it like it is’ into perceived truth-tellers. Of course, if Mr. Pump were really to ‘tell it like it is’, he would have to preface each statement he makes with: ‘I’m lying.’ And then we are already plunged into a linguistic crisis – if he says he’s lying does that mean he’s really telling the truth?

The truth is, it doesn't matter.

Mr. Jump is known as an entrepreneur but far more importantly than that he is a celebrity. Celebrity, as we know, is not about skill or talent. It is not about what one can give to the world.

It is about using the world to affirm one’s existing personality: it is about self-expression.

Thus, the importance of any statement Mr. Lump makes lies not in what it says, but in the fact that he was the one who said it.

Each statement is an individual product of Mr. Gump’s celebrity mind, to be marvelled at separately. It does not necessarily have to tie in with any of the other statements. It does not necessarily have to ‘make sense’. That all of these statements emerged from the same organic source, now the world’s most powerful celebrity, is their entire justification.

This is why Twitter is the perfect vehicle for Mr. Hump, with every statement becoming an event for people to react to, separately. Social media in general has helped with Mr. Rump’s possibly-unwitting project to destroy language. There is, simply, too much language going on. Employed, on the instant, without due care and attention, it starts to lose its meaning. It softens.

In this context it is understandable that Mr. Slump feels no need to sculpt his statements into works of art. They are not polished or perfected. They are more like lumps of organic matter ejected from the celebrity orifice, into our sphere, where eager scavengers soon fall upon them.

If there is any sculpting to do that is a job that can be left to the world. Illegal immigrants, if there are any left, might be willing to wade into these lumps, like turds from a giant dog’s arse, and struggle to excavate ‘content’ from them. But it seems like a waste of time. There will be another one along in a minute. This matter is not in short supply.

The important thing to remember is that this is not language – it’s dogshit. And yet, it is dogshit from the Top Dog. Someone will have to do something about it.

In time, who knows, roses may grow from it. But for now perhaps our only option is to turn away, from the dog’s arse to its mouth, assuming that it is still possible to distinguish between these features. Here we may uncover an opportunity to develop a method of classifying Mr. Sump’s statements by measuring their tone.

For example, his statements might be divided into:

Excited yapping (no likely real-world implication; safe to ignore)

Playful growling (probably safe to ignore, but monitor)

Angry barking (at least pretend to take notice)

This is a work in progress, but hopefully will eventually furnish us with a way of responding to Nump now that human language is becoming redundant – many of his supporters will already be fluent in this method of communication, even as high-minded liberals may not hear it at all. Going forward, we will learn from each other.

As for humour, it should be remembered that philosophers like Henri Bergson have seen laughter as a kind of ‘civilized snarl’.

So that, at any rate, is still with us. The snarl, if not necessarily civilization.