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On Valentine's Day – or Thanksgiving Day as I prefer to call it – there I was in the queue at Marks and Spencers. In front of me, two men, both taking advantage of the £20 Valentine's meal for two offer, while I clutched my reduced-to-80p cheese-and-onion sandwich. Who's the mug here?, I thought, as I headed home to a quiet night in with Michael Haneke's 71 Fragments Of A Chronology Of Chance. That's a film, by the way.

Although I have to admit I liked the look of the Valentine's chocolates on offer in W H Smith's, half price with any Valentine's card. I was tempted. I could always send the card to myself – 'I'm so glad we decided to move in together!' Sod anonymity.

But I stuck with the cheese-and-onion sandwich. At least I can be fairly certain about what's in it. They have apparently discovered a Findus lasagne that is '100% horsemeat'. What? The pasta is horse? The bechamel sauce is horse? Perhaps what they have found is a dead horse that has been accidentally labelled up as a Findus lasagne.

Luckily meat will soon be completely unrelated to the animal kingdom. Ben in our office said the other day that they are now able to 'print meat'. Wow. Once upon a time we dreamed of the future as a place of antiseptically gleaming cities and hover cars. Well it didn't happen, but here is our compensation – I will soon be able to fax you some bacon. Happy Valentines Day.