rude tunes

Work has been quite uneventful, though Lorraine brought in an enormous Golden Delicious, which she displayed. It was indeed quite large.

Most of the excitement is taking place on the radio. A couple of weeks ago, Radio 2 had their day-long celebration known as '2Day'. Normal schedules were mixed up so as to showcase the station's output, and thus you got Elizabethan madrigals in the daytime, Ken Bruce on the moon (as I remember), and even a live rendition of Grandma's Feather Bed. Perhaps it is now hard to see why this song, which commemorates the thrilling antics of some children and some farm animals on the bed in question, was a staple of Ed Stewart's Junior Choice, back in the 70's. But in those days no-one thought twice about lines like: 'We didn't get much sleep but we had a lot of fun/On Grandma's feather bed.' We were all so innocent then. I think.

The week after that it was back to normal, with the woman standing in for Jeremy Vine asking Bill Maynard exactly how many toilet seats he had broken over the course of his life. Can the economic situation really be that dire when a daytime talk show is devoting its precious time to discussing the 'issue' of toilet seat breakages with the former Selwyn Froggitt? I think not. A toilet seat manufacturer was on hand to offer more technical feedback, blaming a 'twisting motion' on the part of the toilet-goer for the problem.

And then last week was dominated by Eurovision, with high hopes for 'the Hump'. Well, we know what came of that. Whoever was responsible for fielding him had failed to reckon that the overall vibe of the contest would be best described as 'clubby' – even the much-fancied (by bookmakers) 'Russian grannies' did an up-tempo disco number, albeit one that also involved them baking bread in an onstage oven. It was generally agreed that their music was of less interest than their 'back story' which was that they were trying to raise money to rebuild their church which, we were told, had been 'knocked down by Stalin' (presumably in the days when he used to rampage like Godzilla over the Russian countryside, demolishing tall buildings.)

They didn't win and will probably be sent to a gulag, or whatever they call them now. Belarus didn't win either - didn't even make the final, despite using the phrase 'we are the winners' in their entry. I like their thinking – unfortunately, their accent was such that it sounded more like 'we are the wieners'. Also failing – inexplicably - to make the final were Austria, who fielded a band called (really) 'Trackshittaz' singing what came across as 'Fuck Me In Der Poo-Poo', although it turns out to be Austrian (it says here) for 'shake your bum' – 'Shake your bum, as you are what I want', they are apparently saying. Furthermore, they maintain elsewhere in the song that 'your bum has an opinion.' Mine thinks they should have won.