Ken Bruce Ruined My Life

'Where else would you hear that?', asked one of the Smooth Radio DJ's this week, as though he'd just played Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music, in its entirety, in the middle of the day. Instead of what he'd actually done, which was play She's Gone by Hall and Oates. Perhaps he is banking on the fact that most Smooth Radio listeners are too scared to go looking for another station. What if some nasty jungle pirate station jumps them as they are making their way to Heart? Best stick with what you know.

But it is amusing to hear Smooth DJ Mark Goodier attempt topical - satirical, even - jokes. It is as though he is waging a war against his own blandly generic DJ voice. It is not a war he will win. Goodier could suffer attacks of Tourette's syndrome on air and nobody would notice.

Alone in the office on Friday, I dared to switch back to Radio 2. What a rebel! It isn't that I'm such a big fan of the station, it's just that Ken Bruce's Popmaster has become part of the structure of my working day. Without it I'm a bit lost. Or more than usual, anyway. One of the 'issues' discussed by Jeremy Vine was whether parents should take their kids to see noted, I mean suspected, paedophile Michael Jackson. Yes, apparently people have nothing better to worry about in these days of economic collapse. I mean, they are going to be in an enormous space among thousands of other people, and Jackson a tiny figure on a stage a long way away. It's not like they are pimping their kids out to him (although: why not?) It's not like he's going to swoop down from above to molest them (although that might depend on how far he's got with the plastic surgery, I mean shouldn't he be able to fly by now?)

But apparently parents are worried that in later life their kids will turn to them and accuse them of exposing them to a monster. Only, I would suggest, if they are working up a court case against Mummy and Daddy and are really desperate for material.

Well, next week I have my interview. Three people this week have been interviewed and all three got their posts. It's enough to make you feel positive! But let's not get carried away. Lorraine has been having anxiety dreams about having to appear in court. She is envisioning the interviews as being something along the lines of the Russian roulette episode in The Deer Hunter. Me, I'm not quite so optimistic.