I, Monster
A date has been set: from the August bank Holiday onwards, Ottakars’ Brentwood will no longer be Ottakars’ Brentwood. It will be Waterstone’s, and labelled as such. I don’t know how I feel about becoming a corporate monster. In the newsletter, I have been compelled to allay people’s ‘idiotic’ fears about the change. To those who worry that we will now become ‘evil’ and replace staff with killer robots (a surprisingly widespread misconception) I patiently explain that the popular association between Waterstone’s and evil has come about because of staff’s penchant for wearing black, and also due to a misunderstanding of their corporate motto (‘We drain the blood of the living.’) ‘In reality, we will be no more evil than before.’
Lies, all lies! Of course there are no ‘killer robots’. The robots are programmed not to harm humanity.
But there have been… accidents.
I should say no more. Hasn’t the weather been delightful lately? I went to a 70th birthday party the other night. It was dominated by the DJ, who donned a variety of wigs and costumes throughout, and castigated folk from the off for not dancing (‘I can see some of you don’t get out much.’) Hang on, it is a 70th! Maybe you could have been Brian Conley in an ‘ideal’ world but just because you’re stuck here, there’s no need to take it out on us! It was almost like some confrontational piece of performance art at times - the withering remarks, the music turned up as an act of aggression. It was Venetian Snares all over again. I really thought he might trash his equipment and walk out.
But no, just enough people danced to appease him. I danced with my aunt, really awkwardly, to ‘You Make Me Feel So Young’. Since she is 79, the song was peculiarly appropriate from my point of view. Although in spirit she is far younger than me. She actually liked the DJ. She got a leaflet. Which is how I know that he - or his act, rather - is called: ‘Crazy Martin’s Fun Show’. No wonder I didn’t like him. He’s my zany alter ego. In order to heal the split in my psyche I have decided henceforward to change my name to Crazy Martin’s Fun Show. A lot to live up to when you’re introduced to people at dinner parties, but it’s sure to make me a more rounded person.
Or a monster.
Lies, all lies! Of course there are no ‘killer robots’. The robots are programmed not to harm humanity.
But there have been… accidents.
I should say no more. Hasn’t the weather been delightful lately? I went to a 70th birthday party the other night. It was dominated by the DJ, who donned a variety of wigs and costumes throughout, and castigated folk from the off for not dancing (‘I can see some of you don’t get out much.’) Hang on, it is a 70th! Maybe you could have been Brian Conley in an ‘ideal’ world but just because you’re stuck here, there’s no need to take it out on us! It was almost like some confrontational piece of performance art at times - the withering remarks, the music turned up as an act of aggression. It was Venetian Snares all over again. I really thought he might trash his equipment and walk out.
But no, just enough people danced to appease him. I danced with my aunt, really awkwardly, to ‘You Make Me Feel So Young’. Since she is 79, the song was peculiarly appropriate from my point of view. Although in spirit she is far younger than me. She actually liked the DJ. She got a leaflet. Which is how I know that he - or his act, rather - is called: ‘Crazy Martin’s Fun Show’. No wonder I didn’t like him. He’s my zany alter ego. In order to heal the split in my psyche I have decided henceforward to change my name to Crazy Martin’s Fun Show. A lot to live up to when you’re introduced to people at dinner parties, but it’s sure to make me a more rounded person.
Or a monster.
posted by martin at 3:20 PM
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